Dear assembled tech progressives, it’s been a pleasure to attend the rally here in Berlin. Truly a privilege to address so many of you – especially you Tim! – from all corners of the 1935 business community. Deeply humbled I stand here in awe of the courage and bravery you have all shown towards your share prices, let alone the brave battle against inequality, racism and fascism and the manner in how you fight it – By wining and dining the Nazi party leaders at lunch, and giving them a 30% cut of all your imports – negotiated down from 50% already!
None of this would be possible of course, without the Pineapple Time Machine Pro (Bleak History Edition).
Yes… I see you Tim! OK not such a good first year of sales was it? We saw a lot of returns as a result of a firmware bug which only allowed our customers to travel to 1931 (many are still with us today in fact) but we would not be here ourselves today without it.
I won’t sugarcoat it, 2025 had been a terrible year for business. Our inteligentCamera had suffered numerous hallucinations. In some of the photos, fellow silicon valley bosses were depicted doing fascist salutes, and in other pictures the American President himself (of all people!) was pictured in front of a board of economically illiterate tariffs. If his supporters were economically literate they’d be very upset, especially as they’re the ones going to be paying.
Alas none of this is a problem here in the glorious 1930s, thanks to Tim’s Time Machine Pro. As people of such impeccable moral principals, we’ve always wondered what would indeed happen should a brave likeminded bunch of democratic freedom fighters went back in time to the Nazi era? How many lives would we save? How many phones would we sell? And now we’re finding out in real-time that we fit right in like Jack Nicholson in a black and white photo!
We’re on course to change history and get really rich doing so. We don’t have all these dinners with Hitler just here to increase stakeholder value although that is a big reason. No, we also want to extend the demographic of our marketing to Germany. We do this also to make Hitler feel a bit better about himself and calm him down a bit. It isn’t easy ruling over every aspect of everybody’s lives and leading the country down a destructive path of racism and territorial expansion. Especially when your incontinence pants keep leaking.
I’d like to introduce to you on stage now a special guest, one of our best marketing strategists and the pioneer in split time period sales and promotions. Why sell in one fascist era when you can do it in two?
Welcome to the stage Johnny!
Hello everybody, what a pleasure it is to be here in person reaching out directly to the 1930s to ask if they want their timeline back.
The genius of all of you assembled here today is in our collective activism, leading to the discovery that all our progressive marketing from 2025 seems to work the same in 1935 too. What a coincidence! The tight control of journalism with NDAs and embargo deadlines! The propaganda channels of YouTube with Gerald Done and Fro Knows Nothing. Some of our best social media influencers have even managed to get plumb jobs at the Reichstag!
Now we all know there are dissenting voices in the room. Yes, our dear old grandparents!
Some of them are even here today in this room, in much younger form [laughter]– but some sadly cannot join us here in Berlin as they’ve been taken away somewhere even worse. Look, it won’t be that bad, trust me! [Laughter]
You know who doesn’t dissent? Our very own sons and daughters! They don’t have any memory of history and no memory of history classes either as they spent the time more productively logged into Facesucker. And as for us… we’re just finding out as we go along! [Raucous Laughter]
I just had a call only yesterday with my lovely daughter, 18 years old today and brought up to believe that freedom is the most important value we have, which is why she voted for our dear leader.
Freedom from the baggage of history, freedom from the anchor of time, from lessons learnt past, unburdened by what has been.
Now we are selling in two historic periods simultaneously, we can’t stand by and just be bystanders as the 1930s evolve into what we now know in history as one of the most legendary earnings call ever especially for Pete’s Nazi army supplier, great company by the way Pete!
I hear your cheers, everyone – let’s raise our glasses again to Pete, to Tim and Jeff. Oh and Mark I almost forgot, whose family unfortunately can’t join us today but we’re working on it, I’ll ask nicely and shuffle some future calls onto the FĂĽhrer’s trading app.
I want to draw this evening to a close now with a rapturous piece of music by Wagner.
