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Communist Creative Cloud service launched today in Berlin


Andrew Reid

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soviet pc.jpeg

Adobe Creative Cloud finally has some competition.

Communist Creative Cloud has been launched today in Berlin!

The three PC terminals are subscription based, and are wheeled to you once per month for the important competition of your communist propaganda leaflets.

Each terminal comes with a Nikon 1 series mirrorless camera with extremely large format sensor developed in Sochi by the renowned soviet scientist Mr P. Utin.

As you'd expect for subscription software, pricing is extremely low starting at $0*.

The true price you pay for this is in your committed allegiance to the "Die Linke" party and a green tax where you have to dissemble your entire apartment piece by piece and replace each brick with wood. You may also offer blood.

In keeping with the famous Moto "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs", the software ships only with the level of tools for your feeble abilities. YouTubers get a version of Communist Premiere Pro with a thumbnail creator containing two special presets - "Amazed face" and "Shocked expression". A special Chris and Jordan mode is available which gives all ex-camera-salesmen the belief they are famous filmmakers for the glorious region of Kamerastalingorsk. All editing tools are removed apart from the digital zoom. Wedding photographers get a special Communist Photoshop that only allows photos shot wide open at F1.2 and a clarity slider that ends at -20.

*The use of the terminal is limited to 1 hour due to radioactive emissions from the special CRT monitor.

EOSHD hands-off report

On a tour of the Communist Creative Cloud offices in Berlin today, I could see a hive of activity. Proud workers huddled around a machine (of course adhering to the mask policy of the German C.C.C.P regime) putting images of Stalin into a transform tool. The beta test programme had gone well with only several deaths, and minor spillage of radioactive material from the Robotron CPU.

I was not allowed to go near the software but was informed by a member of the Stasi CC that the Communist Creative Cloud doesn't just feature apps like Premiere and Photoshop. Office productivity tools are included and these I'm told are expected to be a big hit with the Berlin city authorities, like the municipal vaccination coordination offices.

Meanwhile you may sign up to Communist Creative Cloud by creating a special personalised profile of yourself and uploading it to the Communist Cloud server based in Moscow moderated by Mr V. Puttit.

Dubbed "Sputnikbook", it is part social media photo sharing website and part personal activity tracker.

Already 100,000 people have gladly taken part all on their own accord.

I am told Communist Creative Cloud (CCC) Premiere Pro can handle 12K video, the K standing for Kosmonaut. For videos not shot with 12 Kosmonauts you are limited to a standard resolution of just 12  green lines and the standard CRT refresh rate of 1 frame per month. Still, more productive than the average leftie! Long live Communist Creative Cloud!!

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